The Zen Actuary Installment 24: The Changing Winds of Desire

By Rich Lauria

The Stepping Stone, July 2025

Author’s note: This is the continuation of a series [1] adapted from the book Awake at Work by Michael Carroll, covering the application of Buddhist teachings to situations encountered in a modern corporate workplace setting. This series addresses challenges frequently encountered by practicing actuaries.

End of Semester Fatigue

As I write this installment during the first week of May, I am fitting in bursts of writing with my usual end-of-semester duties: final project and exam grading across three classes, grade reviews of other instructors, cross-registration reviews for upcoming semesters, and the last handful of application reviews. It’s been a long grind since January: exam and project creation, grading rubrics, student correspondence, mentoring new adjunct faculty and alumni. And completing the final edits for a textbook I have co-authored while squeezing in preparation for the one class I will be teaching this summer. Whew! I am ready for a vacation!

Lately my mind keeps searching for an escape route, noting that writing Zen Actuary is as much a respite as watching the National Hockey League playoffs (is there anything better than a Game 7 that goes to overtime?). I keep wanting things to slow down and—in some way, shape or form—just end.

I’ve been working at least a few hours per day for the past three and a half months, including weekends. And it is when I am feeling completely fed up with all the demands for career advice, industry connections, letters of recommendation, weighing in on teaching appointments, revamping another existing course, opining on yet another borderline application, that I stop and remind myself of what a close friend told me recently: I GET to do this.

No one forced me to into this position. I actively sought this opportunity and was grateful to receive the offer. In my final years as a corporate actuary, I frequently looked forward to the possibility of teaching full-time after enjoying many positive experiences as a part-time instructor.

So what changed?

As I reflect over the past six years, nothing externally has changed. Most of the items listed above have been there from day one. What has changed is my mind. What appeared irresistibly desirable seven or eight years ago does not feel as much so today. In addition, I now have the actual experience of being a full-time instructor, which is very different from the fantasy of being one. As with all things, experience informs judgment and changes one’s views and assumptions on a particular matter, whether it’s health insurance claims or a career change.

Childhood Deja Vu

My current predicament, if it can be called that, is nothing new. It is the repetition of a cycle that has become hauntingly familiar. One of my earliest memories from childhood captures the cycle well.

By the time the weather became warm, I would look forward to completing the school year and having the summer off. Long summer days filled with ice cream, the beach, family picnics by a lake, lots of daylight, wearing t-shirts and shorts, endless numbers of pick-up softball games at the park, and no homework!

Those first few weeks were pure ecstasy, especially the no homework part. But by the time the dog days of August started to drag on, I grew tired of the sweat and the search for the relief of water or air conditioning. I even grew bored at not having any intellectual challenges. By summer’s end I both welcomed and dreaded the upcoming school year. I did not want homework, but I was also bored with no classwork and fed up with the heat.

Actuarial Restlessness

My desires continued to evolve as I grew older and adapted to the world of an actuarial career. As an actuarial student, this meant grinding through the long days of working a full-time job and studying late into the night to prepare for yet another exam. I could not wait to complete the exams and receive my fellowship. Everything would be perfect once I received that coveted credential.

Yet after the initial euphoria of becoming an FSA, I found myself wanting to achieve more professionally. This is a common experience among actuaries and demonstrates the ambition and leadership potential of so many within the profession.

Eventually, going beyond the credential takes center stage. This involves demonstrating one’s capabilities and growing the toolkit, as well as taking on more responsibility and increasing one’s position and paycheck. New promotions are enthusiastically welcomed yet over time become just one more milestone, eventually taken for granted. There always seems to be a newer, more exciting actuarial project or initiative around the corner. Here are some examples that may sound vaguely familiar:

The excitement of leading a new product development initiative loses its luster as the various regulatory filings required to get the product up and running get bogged down in questions and concerns raised by the regulator.
Installing and testing that new actuarial projection software can evoke feelings similar to the first time riding that new bicycle received for one’s birthday. But after getting used to the system, observing its limitations and developing workarounds to deal with them, the novelty and feeling of unlimited possibilities dissipates and expectations adjust to what can and cannot be achieved. Perhaps even a certain level of dissatisfaction sets in.
That experience study so widely anticipated offers the potential for new insights into the business. However, the intellectual curiosity piqued by the project gets put on the back burner as the realities of missing and corrupted data coupled perhaps with anomalous results that cannot be explained with actuarial theory dampen the initial enthusiasm. Or worse, the results are exactly what was expected and lead to no revelations.

My actuarial career can be viewed as a series of new and exciting projects that at some point stopped being either new or exciting. When I got to play a major role in helping a private company go public, I embraced it with anticipation. That is, until the late nights with consultants and lawyers dragged on into the wee hours of the morning to hit filing deadlines that hung over my head like a guillotine. And even being tagged to co-chair the Enterprise Risk Management Committee for a Fortune 300 insurer sometimes felt burdensome with the myriad responsibilities presenting various political and logistical challenges that at times were anything but enjoyable.

Dukkha: The Nature of the Human Condition

A central tenet of Buddhism is that each of us will know suffering, and this is not exclusive to experiencing pain. That nagging feeling that something is off, that things are not what they should be; these also represent suffering. The mental chatter that keeps wanting things to be different than the way they are. “If only I had this car, if I was with this person, if I had this job, if I had endless amounts of money, and so on…” The list continues ad infinitum, but essentially it says that I will finally find happiness when X happens. Yet how many times does X happen and one is still not happy? In some cases, we are even more miserable than before receiving X.

This “dukkha” or dissatisfaction is what drives the fickle nature of desire. The conundrum embodied in dukkha is captured perfectly in popular culture by Star Trek character Mr. Spock in one of his many famous quotes from the original series: “Having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical but often true.” Another well-worn cliché that captures this truth is “Be careful about what you wish for because you may get it.”

This is not to imply that desire is bad or that it should be eliminated. Desires arise from the mind, and the mind is a tool designed to help a human being survive. They represent thought processes that direct a human being on what to do, where to go, and who to spend time with, under the overarching premise that such actions will optimize not only survival, but also comfort, pleasure, and satisfaction. Desire is a necessary aspect of the human condition that facilitates one’s functioning.

Where most humans get stuck is the belief that what the mind is telling them to do will guarantee positive feelings. However, the objects, activities, goals, and people the mind instructs one to pursue are all external. And desires change frequently, just like the weather. In contrast, feelings of contentment, satisfaction, joy, love and happiness are internal states of mind that need to be cultivated through practice to be truly lasting. Otherwise, those feelings will be fleeting at best.

I frequently contemplate how much of my life is driven by wanting:

I want to eat this for dinner,
I want to spend time with these people,
I want to get all of this darn grading done,
I want to watch this television show, and so on.

I am aware that none of these things in and of themselves will bring me lasting happiness, yet the longing persists. What tools can one use to reduce the anxieties of not having desires met or finding dissatisfaction in the desires that come to fruition?

Dealing with Dukkha

I feel humbled discussing this. I have been aware of the tentacles of dukkha for decades and yet there are days I feel powerless to reduce its effects. Nevertheless, I have experienced enough relief from time to time that I am comfortable sharing techniques that have been helpful in my journey.

Practice gratitude. This has been discussed at length in a previous Zen Actuary installment. Making the effort each day to stop and think about at least one thing that one is grateful for can reduce the effects of dukkha. Gratitude itself is a positive state of mind and the act of finding things and people to be happy about can shift the mind from those with which one is unhappy.
Focus on the exhale. Taking time to enjoy some deep breathing helps one become more present and focus less on the future, which is where desire resides. Taking it an actuarial step further, inhale for a certain count and exhale for a longer count. For those new to such a breathing practice, start by inhaling for a count of 3 and exhaling for a count of 4. With regular practice, the count can be increased with the ultimate goal for the exhale count to double the inhale count. The longer exhale serves to emphasize letting go, which is necessary to reduce dukkha. The suffering comes from holding onto desires and beliefs that things should be different than what they are in this present moment. Exhaling with purpose and length signals that those thoughts can be let go, at least for the moment.
Be still and watch the mind. Take a few moments and notice what comes up. Chances are that you will experience a cascade of thoughts you may not have been aware you were carrying to this extent. I am frequently astonished when I practice this and reminded of a revelation shared by a Buddhist nun many years ago: “The mind is like a runaway elephant.” It is generally agreed that an individual has thousands of thoughts per day. The act of observing them can help reduce identifying with them, which is the foundation of dukkha.
Do something different from the routine. The mind is continually seeking to save energy as part of the efficiency imperative supporting survival. This drives human inertia, or the tendency to keep doing the things one has done before. Unfortunately, one’s thoughts tend to come with one’s activities, so continuing to do what one has done before will likely be accompanied by certain thoughts. Shaking things up a bit will force the mind to divert resources from the blahs that often accompany routine. My writing this installment and doing some spring cleaning has done wonders for my mental state.

Final Thoughts

Wanting that better job with more responsibility and monetary rewards is an understandable and relatable part of the human experience. Beyond the additional financial security it entails, satisfying that want also supports the egoic self-image and reinforces self-belief in one’s capabilities. Denying the desire to become a chief actuary, chief risk officer, consulting partner or actuarial entrepreneur serves no purpose. What matters is developing the awareness that whether one satisfies a given desire or not does not guarantee or preclude happiness.

Reaching a particular destination on the actuarial journey should be celebrated. At the same time, have the wisdom to realize that it is just a moment in time and that the mind will soon find other potential tantalizing landing spots. Recognizing that the mind is doing its best while acknowledging its limitations can make the unique stages of one’s actuarial career more meaningful and hopefully filled with more joy and less dissatisfaction. Apply these tools to help build the mindfulness to make this possible.

Enjoy the ride!

Statements of fact and opinions expressed herein are those of the individual authors and are not necessarily those of the Society of Actuaries, the editors, or the respective authors’ employers.

Rich Lauria, FSA, CFA, is associate director and lecturer in the Enterprise Risk Management program at Columbia University in New York City. He can be reached at rl2764@columbia.edu or via LinkedIn.

ENDNOTES

[1] The first 23 installments in the Zen Actuary series were published in the November 2013 through May 2025 issues of The Stepping Stone, available online at https://www.soa.org/sections/leadership-development/leadership-development-newsletter/